I wonder if you even care that I’ve stepped out of your life. You were never one to communicate well or show much emotion, so I can’t gauge your reaction to the end. That’s pretty much why we ended, anyway- I couldn’t keep begging for you to show affection or keep waiting for you to change. The sad part is you did change. And you changed for me. I hope you know I really recognized it and appreciated you doing that. You’re definitely not a normal person at all, and for you to change, even if slight, for anyone is already a huge gesture of how you felt about me. I think I held on for as long as I did because I didn’t want your effort to go to waste.
But you know that’s not why you hold onto a relationship with someone, and the changes you made in yourself weren’t enough.
I just wanted someone to connect with. I wanted to feel someone else’s feelings as they shared it with me, and someone else’s skin as they pressed up against me. I wanted to bring someone lunch at work because it was sweet, not because someone expected it. I wanted to walk around the mall for no reason, hand-in-hand. You refused to go to the mall. You refused to hold my hand in public. In fact, you refused to do a lot of things that would be considered “normal”: going to family parties/weddings with me, cuddle, hang out with my work friends, even make out, for god sakes. All we did was eat, go to the movie theater, and gamble.
Finally, when a year flew by and I couldn’t take it anymore, I was the crazy one who kept wanting to talk about where we were. I feel that choking, frustrated feeling I had when I would try to talk to you and spill my heart out and all I’d get in return was silence. One time, for half an hour I sat quietly, patiently waiting for a response to another long catharsis of frustrations I had. I wasn’t bitching you out or whining - I felt stuck and I wanted so badly for us to work. Why couldn’t you understand what I was trying to say? We did not go to functions together, we did not go on trips together, and our level of intimacy was ZERO. An occasional kiss here and there does not count- I’ve probably kissed almost every one of my friends and they don’t call themselves my significant other. So when I finally told you “let’s just be friends…that’s pretty much what we are” and you responded with “no”, I was really blown away. What was the difference in context? It was really just a change in labels, not a change in how we behaved towards each other and what we did for each other. Yet you did not want to just be friends.
And I, being somewhat of an idiot, let you call the shots again. If anyone could show less awareness of self-worth, I’d give them $100. All I wanted was for you to kiss me and outwardly show you wanted me. I was tired of hearing empty words. You said you loved me and I was sad because I knew you would never know what that really meant.
I miss you though. I miss the beginning and those moments of ignorance when we could just laugh and have a good time without being reminded of how much we weren’t right for each other. I miss when you’d surprise me with a full tank of gas or an extra empanada, because I knew that it was not natural for you to think of doing something nice for someone else. I actually miss when you’d yell at me for doing something stupid. I knew you were looking out for me, even though you were really an asshole about showing it. I miss when you’d rub my tummy and it was the last intimate thing you really ever did.
You know I’ll always care about you. I don’t share myself with just anyone. But I have to sever my life from yours and it’s been a long time coming. I tried to make it work about a year and a half too long so don’t tell me I didn’t give you chances nor that I didn’t let you know that I was unhappy. I couldn’t have been more fair and vocal. this is something you’ll never see anyway.. and our actual conversation was much less meaningful and careful. this is more for me. i’m letting myself really let you go, let me go.