I have this fixation on time. I’m quick to acquaint myself with the clocks in a room; feel naked without a watch strapped onto my left wrist. As a young girl, when I had the luxury of doing nothing, I remember following the changing angles and colors of the light entering through my window and splattering onto the wall. As expected, you get older and time becomes crucial to getting through the day. Everything we do is dependent on it- when to eat, when to go here or there, whether or not to have that first drink with shame (you’re gonna drink it anyway), etc. It becomes second nature, if not just mere instinct, to check the time- especially if you’re Filipino and are always running late. But, like breathing, it’s so automatic, so familiar that you can take its existence for granted. I only stopped now to notice my dependence on time and I’m wondering- do I use it to organize my day or is it time that’s dictating how I live?

I’m in this limbo. I’ve graduated from school and I’ve started real life working. Its almost too real for me - too much responsibility for a 23 year old - but I’m glad for it because I feel like I’m on that first step towards my end goals. And as an impatient twentysomething, I feel stuck already. I feel like I need to be away doing big things although I know that, realistically, it’s gradual and that I have to start slow. I can’t help feeling anxious, like I’m wasting time, because there’s so much I want to do. I want to go back to school, I want to experience serving my country, I want to volunteer and work in different places and help people and learn. People around me are getting married or starting families, which I’m not even close to being ready for, but it makes me wonder when I’ll have the time to squeeze those major things in. I have plans to take my parents on vacation, my siblings on trips to places they’ve never been to. Me and my girls have a list-long of things to do and places to see. I still want to learn how to play the guitar, tackle more languages, go to more yoga classes and try crossfit, work on my tennis game, and go to more games at the Garden.

And now I’m constantly aware of the perpetually moving second hand, the glaring loss of seconds that I may have used more productively. How do I slow it down? Am I trying to do too much? I know I have my whole life to work on these things, but it seems like you blink once and suddenly 10 years have blown past you. I guess that’s why I’m so anxious to start making moves- it irks me to waste time. I just pray that when it is too late to make any check marks on my list of things to do in life, I can look back and be satisfied.